Today, I’m not gonna write poetry. I don’t want to write poetry. I want to write prose but I can’t not label it NaPoWriMo because I want to keep up a streak.
So instead, today I will write prose and let it be marked low because in one paradigm prose can just be terrible poetry.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It’s two minutes past ten, here we go ago again.
The gnawing is back. Today I have three packets of soup and four packets of mac n cheese left. I tell myself I skip lunch because I cant afford it – well, I can, but the problem is I can’t stop eating until I feel nothing but food fill me till my throat and really, I don’t have money for that everyday.
Problem is, the pre-bought food is running out but this this thing, this gnawing lasts.
I need to do something when I’m anxious. Till now, everything I’ve done is bad. Procrastinate, binge or cut.
Everyone who knows has said the last is the worst, so today I decided not to want it. And I didn’t – till now.
So if I don’t cut then I have binging and procrastinating left. I try binging but then I remember I spent 70 bucks yesterday and the day before so I really can’t afford a third consecutive day of splurging. I make one packet of hot chocolate from the stash and officially start Procrastinatingtm by watching a second episode of Greys, halfway into which I realise I’m done with the drink and the feeling still hasn’t gone.
I feel like I’m crazy and I can’t help but cry because this shit isn’t going and what if it fucking never ends.
So I text the one friend who still hasn’t told me they’ve had enough of me and I tell her I’m crying because the urge to cut is driving me insane, and through the mess I see her text, saying she wants to call me and talk to me to get my mind off of it but fuck her I don’t want that, I only want to cut and so I do –
I lied and told her I was going for a walk but instead I just cut.
This isn’t failure because I don’t think I want to get any better.
Maybe this is why I have no friends.
Thing is, its made me feel so much better, and if something can help to such an extent then why the fuck do people not want for me to do it?
What about it is really so bad?