Coin Toss

Then
You weren’t fully aware of how you said it.
But you did.
And it scares you.
You can’t control it. You can’t do anything when you feel a rotting in your stomach, the strange feeling in your limbs. You really can’t help it. So you ask anyone you can, ask them that same question- “Was it bad?”
Over and over and over.
Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen.
All the same.
“Ooh….yeah, it was rude, but- it’s the truth!”
Again and again.
For fuck’s sake! It’s like they’ve all been told what to say -all of them- the exact same thing.
The desperation and fervor propells you forward, the momentum doesn’t stop.
Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen.
“Rude, but-it’s the truth!”
“Rude, but-it’s the truth!”
SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
It’s on loop. The stupid question and the stupid answer.
It’s all stupid.
Eighteen is when you stop.
“Rude? It comes naturally to you.”
Stupid question. Different answer.
“You made the teachers the guilty party, he made it the students.”
That’s when the momentum stops. That’s when you feel the rotting and strangeness come together.
You lock the door.
You come out.
You’re empty.
Rude?ItcomesnaturallytoyouRude?ItcomesnaturallytoyouRude?Itcomesnaturallytoyou
You eat your dinner.
Rude?Itcomesnaturallytoyou
“You have health and strength.””And we’ll steal the rest?”
“It was the truth!”
Rude?Itcomesnaturallytoyou
You eat your dinner.
You’ve made your decision.

Now
No, you’ve not.
“You have health and strength.””And we’ll steal the rest?”
“You have health and strength.””And we’ll steal the rest?”
“You have health and strength.””And we’ll steal the rest?”
Stop.
Now, you have made a decision.
.
.
What if.
You flip the coin.

Later
I can’t write the line.
It…..doesn’t really matter, but I can’t write the line anyways.
I could have, if I had flipped the coin with my left hand and not my right.(It would have taken forever.)
But in that moment, you were the safest you had felt in a long time.

Heads.
Oh, thank god.

You can’t write the line.
You can’t pretend you weren’t a coward.
You’re sure you can’t see yourself as what you want to be. You’re not the person you want to be.
Rude?It comes naturally to you.
You don’t know what you are.
You will never know what you are.

 

Tails.

Okay, then.

 

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