My best friend left – she said whatever happens she’ll never leave.
But she cared too much and I didn’t care enough –
in the last month all I talked of was cutting and all she talked of was her swinging moods, we made each other worse.
I see you on social media now- you were never active on it before. You whatsapp now has a picture with you in it, a picture where you are human, with full eyes and a face that isn’t hiding ten hundred different things which you wish I would have asked about but never did.
At no point did it get worse, because that how we began.
I never missed you when you were here, and I don’t miss you much now when you’re gone, but that’s the thing – I don’t know who I am if not the person I scribbled myself out to be in text messages to you.
In the end, I became what drew us together in the first place, something you always wanted to get out of.
You started dancing again after three years, you joined committees again.
I asked, but I didn’t ask enough about how you were finding yourself – that is my fault. Seems fitting when you were remembering all that you were before this depression, while I keep losing myself to it.
You seem to be better now, from wisps on the internet which is now all I have of you.
I really, really hope you’re better -that you would have learnt how not to care about another from me.
I hope you’re well.